2 Compliments A Day Keeps the Doctor (Counselor) Away.

What Is Are Compliments?

A compliment is an expression of praise or adoration about a trait or attribute a person displays. That word “person” includes yourself as well as others. It can be about something the person is, has done or is doing, is wearing or has demonstrated with their speech and/or behavior.  The possibilities for compliments are endless.

Making a complimentary statement is not difficult. It is a simple, straightforward and genuine statement focused on something you appreciate about yourself and/or another person. It must be honest, not snarky or sarcastic. It’s a gift given with no strings attached, expecting nothing in return.

Compliments spring from things admired in a person.  Traits that endear us to another will form the basis for compliments. Compliments reflect our values.

For a compliment to work it must be heartfelt. Most people sense a manipulative statement hiding as a compliment. I think there’s a difference between compliments and flattery. A compliment is not an effort to ingratiate, suck up or gain advantage.

The value of these gifts is well documented in social and psychological research. Compliments can ease tension and repair tears in a relationship after a fight or conflict. Compliments when properly given make us feel better and when we feel better, we relax, we tolerate, we exercise patience, and in general, have a better time of it.

Benefits To Relationships

I don’t think compliments are panaceas. However, couples who give compliments to themselves and each other, research shows, do better. Those relationships last longer, quality of interaction is deeper, and they have more fun with each other. That’s not to say they may not decide to use a therapist from time to time. But when they do go to counseling, they’re positioned in a healthier place to start with. The same process holds true for individuals regarding their self-esteem and self-management.

A compliment a day from yourself and one from a significant other, friend, spouse or partner provides opportunities to practice receiving compliments. When receiving a compliment there’s no need to squirm, feel uncomfortable or deflect the praise. The healthy thing to do is say, “Thank you.” Let the adoration sink in and use that energy to keep growing and maturing.

Compliment Yourself?

I am often asked about giving yourself a compliment. Am I really encouraging people to compliment themselves? Absolutely. Properly done, self-praise is good medicine.

There is such a fear of being called narcissistic, in part because there is a lot of narcissism lurking about in our society. Narcissism carries a negative rap sheet, as well it should.

It seems to be anti-cultural to praise ourselves (self compliments) – it is a lot easier to be “down on our self”. Self-praise builds self-confidence and helps to reinforce our positive thinking and behavior. It serves to push aside our negative self-stories. Ron Passfield

Complimenting self is not self-centered or narcissistic. It is a very effective way of showing yourself that you know yourself well and accept and recognize positive qualities within yourself. Self-compliments and congratulation is a way of reminding yourself that you’re in your own corner.

Suggestion

Usually it’s good practice to give self-praise and affirmation in private. Not much good comes from bragging in public.

Narcissism is only about self. The healthy formula is both  self and others. If you recognize, attend to and take care of yourself first you will be in good shape when attending to others.

Caveat

No one is perfect. We can easily find fault in self and others. What makes complimenting so powerful is that we know the compliment giver has a choice to be kind and complimentary or critical and judgmental. They chose to be positive and build up rather than tear down and wound. Smiles all around!

Try it. I think you’ll like the positive effects compliments have in your life space.