Which Do You Value More: A Great Date or A Great Marriage?

Americans have a greater need for guidance about how to have a great date, family, money, Facebook page or body (the top five on my list) than how to have a great marriage. There are over 1860 million Google pages devoted to dating and only 341 million that will tell you about how to have a great marriage. That’s 5.5 times more information available on how to make a date great than how to make your marriage great.

“How To Have A Great……”

You can see from my chart here how the various topics I considered rank order themselves. I used the phrase “How to have a great….” and then added various keywords.

Using this method, my data shows that the number of Google pages available online which address dating is at the top of the list. How to have a great marriage is near last.

Unfortunately, this suggests Americans get much more encouragement, training and knowledge in mate selection than they do mate retention. In everyday terms, Americans are more interested in getting married than staying married. Divorce statistics certainly confirms this as a reality in our culture.

What Are Our Values? Not What We Say.  It’s What We Do.

People’s values are reflected in what they focus on, spend their money and attention for. From my other observations as a marriage counseling professional, it does seem plausible to me that indeed Americans spend more time and energy trying to have a great body or great sex than they do a great marriage. People are not much more interested in getting information about how to make their marriage great than information on how to have a great house party.

What we pay more attention to is what we will be more successful achieving. Unfortunately, this statistical snapshot of American values shows low value placed on doing what it takes to do marriage well.

Do page counts on Google searches reflect cultural and social societal values? I think that’s a legitimate question so I would be careful not to publish these results as scientific fact. But, if there’s any hint here from what information about what topics are searched on Google, it suggests an interesting conclusion:

Americans will more readily search online for help and assistance about what to do to get a great voice or how to have a great workout than they will to look for information that could result in  having a great marriage.

How To Be A Rude Jerk.

For kicks, I found 135 million pages with instructions, “How to be rude.” and 52 million page which answer the question, “How to be jerk at work.” Both rudeness and being a jerk must pay off.

Over 87% of the American population has Internet access and can do online searches. Approximately 50% of the people searching online are between the ages of 35 and 54, make between $30k and $100k, with only 3% more males searching than females. Given these demographics, I would presume most searches online are not frivolous and the people that provide these millions of pages know there is an audience out there seriously interested in the topics their web page touts.

Conclusions

One of the big conclusions from this that I share with my counseling clients who come to me to get professional assistance with their marriage is this:

Marital problems are not the fault of the couple. Couples are doing the best they can under the circumstances at the moment with what they have to use. There are many indications that America gives a lot more cultural support for dating and romance than sustaining a durable high-quality marriage. Most American couples just don’t have the necessary information for marital greatness.

If Americans are not given focus and information by their culture on how to have a great marriage, you can hardly blame them when their marriage falls apart because they did not have the skill sets and tools to do otherwise. Of course, couples, who wake up to this fact and actively seek help for their marriage can learn the various interpersonal skills necessary for quality relationship. Then, using those skills, their marriage will improve and they will do better with each other than before counseling. Relationship counseling can certainly help with this.

Not only are cultural and societal values reflected by what people spend their money and attention on, but also by what gets reinforced. Social reinforcement happens subtly in small, but regular doses. What people close to us talk about and focus on when we are with them is a big determinant for beliefs and behavior.

For example, I think I’m accurate when I say that Americans are more likely to talk to each other about Facebook pages or Instagrams and how great those may be, rather than how great their marriages are (or are not) and why. My experience is that people will discuss dating and who they went out with or hooked up more easily than what is going on in their marriages, let alone if there’s trouble with their partner.

Despite what we say in our families, synagogues and churches, despite what we said to each other on our wedding day and despite the idealistic, good intentions we have personally, our culture does not pervade and encourage us to practice the use of information about how to have a great marriage. You will feel alone and somewhat unsupported if you focus more on how to keep your marriage great than how to have a great summer vacation when with your friends.

When was the last time you were in a group of people and they willingly opened up and talked about the last time they had good communications with their spouse? Football, recipes, kids or new car, yes.  Quality of marriage, not so fast.

But, I can guarantee this: a happy marriage is worth the effort.  It can be done.  I am able to show you how. To get started on having a great marriage, call me at  913-991-2302.