Why Is My Husband Distant Cold and Quiet With Me? 6 Things You Can Do.

Husbands want to know why their wives are always angry with them and wives want to know why their husbands ignore them. Both want to know what happened to the romance. Both suspect the other person is to blame.

The explanation for this predicament is easy to understand. Over time, marriages and couples can develop a rigid polarization. For example, the more she nags the more he blames her for whatever the issue might be. The more he blames her for the problem, the more she nags, criticizes and harasses.

Eventually, the cycling of emotional energy between these two opposing poles can become so intense and persistent that the couple is unable to break the momentum. Intimacy with one’s partner is lost and love is replaced with angry fights.

Ironically, these two poles fit each other

They go hand in hand and feed off the energy of the other side. In that sense, they deserve each other.

Because this fit is so good (aside from whether this is a fun or healthy relationship dynamic), it is difficult to break and change. It is not easy to ignore the behavior of the other spouse. If the wife is angry and nagging, is it not the self-protective thing to withdraw? Many husbands think so.

At the same time, if a husband is not emotionally available and engaged with his wife, she feels lonely and abandoned, maybe even rejected. Does it not make sense to try to get some kind of a response by telling him how angry and scared she is? Many wives think so.

The “Blame Game” parallelizes relationships. Each partner believes, “It’s all your fault, so you are the bad one who needs to change!” Both people become equally stubborn, insisting they are right and ill treated by their spouse or partner. Gridlock makes the couple suffer.

What To Do About It

All of the above, that is, describing the problem, is the easy part. What to do about it is another matter. Both men and women fail to understand how emotionally sensitive a man can truly be. As rule, the American man has not been given the skills or the practice of managing himself in intense emotional waters, like in a marriage.  Therefore, it does not take much emotional intensity for a husband to feel emotionally vulnerable. For self-protection, he withdraws into silence and emotional distancing.

While women were growing up they were learning emotional relationship skills. Guys on the other hand, were out exploring nature, doing muscular activities, and solving practical problems in physical reality. Few men understand things they can’t see or touch, like emotion and feelings. Truly, it can seem as though men and women grow up on different planets.

Here’s what a lonely wife can do to help
thaw out her husband distant cold and quiet.

• Stop complaining and plan instead. Rather than complaining to your husband how you never do anything together, take your husband on a date, at your initiative. (Scheduled a babysitter or nanny if need be.)

Caution: Keep your expectations low.  Don’t discuss elephants in the room of your marriage when on a date. Talk about sweet superficialities or not at all. Better that than arguing.

• If you want to be with your husband, be with him where he is, doing what he is doing. If he’s watching TV on the couch in silence, sit with him on the couch and watch whatever he’s watching, in silence. If he’s in the garage tinkering with his hobby, go to the garage and help tinker with his hobby or sit nearby and learn something about him and what he’s doing. If you don’t want to do what he is doing, ask yourself what is more important for you: to be with him or do a certain activity? Does he sense you really don’t want to be with him unconditionally?

Caution: Give up, at least temporarily, trying to get emotional closeness with him through talk. You have to at least show up in the same space with him for anything else to be possible.

• Take it slow. If there’s something important you need to talk about with your hubby, do two things before you start talking:

1. Set a time and place with him to talk about your topic of concern and tell him what your concern is beforehand. Don’t engage him about this topic now.  Wait until that time you both agreed on, even if he wants to do it right now and get it over with.
2.  When you begin talking to him, start slowly, meaning, softly, not harshly and without blame. Avoid a big hit over his head with your full gunnysack of complaints and emotional needs.

Caution: No ambushes.  Start with the less hot issues between you. Remember, in the world of emotion, he is not as competent as you are. Discuss only one topic at a sitting.

• Here’s some insight: If your husband cares about you, he wants all your problems fixed.  If you continue to complain, he feels inadequate because it means he has not “fixed” your problems.  What he doesn’t understand is that women sometimes just need to talk and whine a bit in the presence of someone they feel safe with. They want to get “it” off their chests, that’s all.  However, when she does that, the man often thinks he has let her down; otherwise she would be happy and not so “emotional.”

Again, he may make an attempt to solve the “problem.” If he tries what he thinks is the fix for the problem but his wife is still unhappy or complaining, he may, once again, give up and go cold and quiet, thinking,  “It is hopeless.  I can’t ever please her.”  He needs to be told by you that all you want from him is just to listen.  But, that’s hard to learn to do with your husband, especially if you believe he should know this and be able to read your mind about what you need and want from him. Very few men I know are good mind readers.

Caution: Before you begin to share with him your feelings and concerns, be very clear with him that all he needs to do is listen. No fixing or problem solving, even if tries to out of habit. Problem solving only works when you specifically ask him to work with you on that. In addition to that, let him know this does not have to a two-way talk fest.  You talk: he listens. Period.

• When you feel angry or contemptuous, misunderstood or lonely, physically touch your husband’s shoulder or arm, but say nothing. If he can receive your gift of gentle touch (not sexual touch, but caring touch) realize that you have made progress toward reducing the distance between the two of you and be grateful for that.If he demands to talk about this physical contact or he is worried that something’s up, reassure him by simply saying, “I miss you and wanted to get a little closer to you.” Then move away and let that be enough for now.

Caution: Do not get sucked into another emotional argument, which will give him an excuse, yet again, to withdraw and throw the process back to square one. The distance between you developed over time. Reducing it and getting closer again also takes time and small steps.Later, some other time, if your negative feelings still must be discussed with him, ask him to arrange with you a time and place in the near future  to talk for no more than 10-15 minutes about blank (name the topic).

• Remember, wife; you have superior emotional skills when compared to your husband’s. Similarly, in all likelihood, he has physical skills and strength superior to yours. Therefore, it’s your responsibility to be as careful and gentle with him when in emotional interaction as it is his responsibility to be physically gentle with you

Caution: He can’t take the emotional heat like you can so matter of factually. With that in mind, here’s a final tip: nagging and criticizing your husband will almost always get you the opposite of what you want if what you say you want is to just be with him.

I am available to help apply these problem solving approaches to living with your husband.  Call me, Paul W. Anderson, PhD at 913-991-2302. And remember;

Touch first, talk later. Both are necessary, but when used in their proper sequence, you can thaw out a husband distant cold and quiet.