It’s Time To Redeem Your Marriage

People who know I am a marriage counselor often say to me during the holiday times, “Wow, you must really be busy right now!” I understand they are thinking about the chaotic holiday season and the pressure that can put on significant relationships. Logic might suggest people would be using therapy and couples counseling during this time of trial.

The Reality: You Pawned Your Marriage

The reality in my private practice is just the opposite. Significant relationships get put aside, their needs ignored and everything else,  such as office parties, gifts, meals, in-laws, school programs and all the other heavy expectations that have to be met, come first. Resources are borrowed from your marriage and used for other things.

There is no time or money for maintaining, let alone improving quality of marital or other significant relationships. Marriage takes a backseat or worse yet, gets put in the trunk. People become exhausted physically and emotionally. Tempers flare and emotional tension gets twisted to the max. The common refrain is just get through it and hope you survive with a little sanity on the beach called New Year’s Day.

Actually, people don’t have much energy to  redeem or reclaim their marriage until around January 15^th.

That’s the American Saturnalia. Most cultures have an annual period of major blowout. This is how and when we do our version of unrestrained merrymaking.  The year-end holidays are our time of wild revelry, a festival of peak entertainment and exaggerated spending, not only of money, but physical and relationship capital.

Yet we do survive, recover and actually look forward to the next time we can again do just about anything so long as it’s done in the name of “Christmas.”

Don’t Wait Too Long

Word of caution: don’t wait too long to resuscitate your marriage. Don’t take it for granted that you and your loved one, because you love each other, will automatically bring your relationship back to health. Quality relationship and significant depth of intimacy does not regenerate itself any more than your neglected bank account or job or houseplants will regain health and thrive unless you pay attention to them. Your marriage has needs; it must be watered, nurtured and feed.

As soon as possible, schedule with your partner several periods or times for the express purpose of resuscitating your relationship, getting back on some of the same pages together, catching up with each other and in general, syncing up your lives. This takes attention and talking skills.

Here are the 7 Questions for discussion which can lead not only to problem solving but also redeem your marriage and rejuvenate closeness to each other.

Discuss 7 Questions

1. What I missed most about you during this recent time of stress?
2. What bothered me or irritated me about what you did or didn’t do, say or didn’t say during this period?
3. What I saw in you that endeared me even more to who you are, perhaps something never noticed before?
4. What role did alcohol or other mood altering substances play in our relationship that I liked or needs attention because it created trouble for me?
5. What we can do differently during stressful times to celebrate and enjoy our relationship rather than ignore it?
6. What I need to say “I’m sorry” about and how we can repair the damage which may have happened to our marriage or relationship?
7. When can you and I have some time to ourselves to play, have fun together and remind ourselves of what truly bonds us together?

What If It’s Too Hot To Deal With? Use Emotional Intelligence Skills

When couples discuss these kinds of topics, they may run the risk of an issue being hotter than they realized. It can be like wading into a minefield without notice. Despite the intention to renew and repair your relationship in the wake of the recent Saturnalia of merrymaking, couples sometimes make things worse opening up topics which for them are emotionally charged.

I hope this does not happen to you and your beloved, but if it does, take heart. This is part of the process. Avoidance makes things worse in the long run. Here are some things to do to avoid land mine explosions around hot topics. If there is an unanticipated emotional explosion, these tips can help to restore order and renewal.

• Make sure when you have these renewing kinds of discussions that you have agreed when and where is a good time to talk. Don’t ambush each other with “We need to talk, now!” Set it up in advance when you both can agree nothing else will be going on except focusing on each other and the topics at hand. Phones and all devices, including TV, need to be off. No children or other people present. This is private time.
• Set a start and stop time, rather than letting conversation drift endlessly. If there is more to say about an issue or concern, plan the next place and time when you will get back in the discussion where you left off. Shorter sessions work best, like 15-20 minutes at a time.
• Avoid using that “you” word as much as possible. Use “I”, “me,” and “my” rather than “you,” or “your.” Example: “I was upset when I heard your mother use a racial slur talking to our African-American neighbor at the Christmas party. I would like to brainstorm with you what we can do at this point in case we need to repair the insult.” That is a much better way to discuss joint problem solving, as opposed to, “You really need to find a way to control your mother’s mouth when she has had too much to drink. You can’t expect me to have a good time when I’m walking on eggshells worrying about what she’s going to say next.”
• Take notes (pen and paper or recording device) about what you are discussing. This is especially useful when the anxiety levels rise. During those times our memories don’t work too well and we often skew things in our own favor. Most important meetings keep minutes or logs of topics dealt with.

Your marriage is just as important as any corporate board meeting or a Congressional Hearing. Keep minutes and records of your efforts to redeem your relationship.

• Remember, the point of these conversations is to get your marriage out of hock and working for you again. The intent these here is “win-win”, not continue the fray of self-indulgence. Feast together on all the good reasons you are endeared to each other in the first place. “Win-Lose” dialogue, as in “I’m right, you’re wrong,” makes both people losers.

Final Note

Just as we make New Year’s resolutions pertaining to how we treat our bodies (exercise, diet, sleep, grooming), couples can make resolutions to renew or make a fresh start at nurturing and  reclaiming their relationship.

Call me, Paul W. Anderson, PhD, today to discuss how I can help you get started: 913-991-2302.

Marriage Counseling can identify new ways and skills for couples to use to make things better. With good coaching you can avoid the old interpersonal patterns that do not work.

Redeem your marriage today.